I have no exact theme behind this post, except that it's the morning of my birthday and I have some things on my mind. The one overriding thought is that of how very grateful I am to be right here, right now typing this blog.
Statistics do not put people like me in a good place, and the fact that I can continually beat the statistics on a daily basis, has a profound affect on every living moment, every interaction and every single thought that is being produced in my head. It doesn't take much to bring tears to my eyes these days.
In the winter at the beginning of 2012, inside of the Schuykill County Prison, from the top bunk, inside a cement box I said to myself with tears running down my face....I CHOOSE LIFE. I will never forget that moment. It was later in the evening, and while I was writing a letter to my home, I distinctly remember crying in silence because I didn't want my celly to know. Those hot tears ran down my face like lava spilling over the side of a volcano. As I was writing to my family, my heart began to fill up with gratitude and something I haven't felt in a while. I started writing about how much I love them and let them know that I have changed and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean and sober for the rest of my life. I started to pray. I thanked the God of my understanding every single day. I focused on getting fit and building some muscle, I followed the rules, I held on to every letter with the tightest of grips and pulled them close to my heart. I clutched the pull up bar, and hit the cold cement floor with my palms. When I wasn't doing push-ups I would draw pictures of peoples girlfriends so that they could send it them home in the mail, and in return they gave me soups and honey buns. I CHOSE LIFE, and the universe started to recognize that choice. I wrote letters to my public defender begging her to do whatever she can to get me into a rehab, then by the grace of God and with the help of my public defender- April 11, 2012 I found myself on the second floor of the prison waiting for the van to pick me up to take me to a rehab in Harrisburg that is called Common Ground. I was ready for help.
Rewind a little, and during the 1st month locked in jail, I had a profound spiritual awakening which allowed me to surrender everything I thought I knew about life. The surrender is what really opened my heart and in rehab it allowed me to almost totally re-discover who I really am.
May 16, 2012 is the day I left rehab. Today is September 12, 2014. When I think about this distance in time it brings tears to my eyes. I worked so hard on me...and I did it one day at a time, and I still do... every... single... day. I never......ever gave up on my choice. I wanted life and I was willing to do whatever it took to keep it. I regained many of my core values, and so I started to use them every single day. While in rehab they really opened my eyes, my mind and my heart to the importance of gratitude, and now I express it every single day..and I mean it. I don't just say it, I genuinely mean it and show it, and speak it, and text it, and send it out all the time. This isn't all and I saved the most important part for last. Family........My family never gave up on me, and I owe them the world! I can never take back all those painful moments, the deepest and darkest of times, and the years of you having to see the results of me slowly killing myself one injection at a time. In the memory of this pain I hope you can look at me and have your heart fill with joy for how far I have come, or should I say, for how far WE have come. I am forever grateful for everything that you have done. I want you to take great comfort in knowing that I am inspiring people every single day. Your love and support has been one of the defining factors in my ability to live out my purpose. After family is my friends above, my friends on earth , and all the supporters that I may or may not know personally. I will never take for granted the amount of love, energy, and support that I have received from all of you. I am forever thankful.
The statistics say I should be dead, locked up, using drugs or in a rehab, yet, here I am. I have filled my life with nothing but positive thoughts and positive things. I express gratitude every day. As a result of my sober, clear mind, a vision came to me. That vision was me wearing a feather mo hawk. It wasn't until even a year after this vision manifested- that I found out how very important the FEATHERHAWK would be. This extension of myself is the key to the gates of hearts and minds. Never in the world will people see a "hair style" with as much significance as this one will soon have. That is not an egotistical thought, it is a premonition from a mind backed by a heart filled with good intentions. I am currently the head of two Limited Liabilty Corporations, and the creator of 3 brands, 2 of which you may know- Dance Kandy and Kut-Up Fitwear. I live a life filled with creative outlets that are all used for the purpose of inspiring others. No drug, no amount of money, no expensive car, boat or fancy house will ever give you a feeling that compares to living a life filled with purpose and that is surrounded by positive good hearted people with intentions that go beyond what is good for themselves.
Today is my 33rd birthday. I want to publicly announce my promise to continue telling my story and spreading a positive message filled with love, gratitude and the true meaning of life.
I want everyone to know that no matter what we have been through or what the current status of our life is, we can all be positive, grateful, loving and compassionate people. If we keep these values close to our hearts and live with good intentions, we will all be successful... as a whole.
R.I.P Tupac Shakur, your energy is still strong!